#1: Shitty books have prologues. A prologue is a chapter that wasn’t good enough for the real book. It doesn’t “frame” anything.

#2: Shitty books open with a car ride, an upcoming wedding, or a murder. Some shitty books do not, but most do.

#3: Horses guarantee shittiness.

#4: James Patterson shits on anything you put in front of him. It is then published.