by James Patterson
(Actually by Neil McMahon)

First sentence: When I arrived at President Hughes Jacklin’s inauguration party that night in the year 2061, I was flying high, happier and more self-satisfied than I had ever been.
Greatest tagline ever: The one with the most toys…dies.
Note from the publisher: James Patterson’s Toys is a thriller in a hyperplane — with a hero who rivals both James Bond and Jason Bourne.
Statement that can be proven false simply by reading it: That one.

This book was written by a mutated slime mold fungus, or perhaps a reindeer. It is not possible for a human being to compose this book, because it uses an alternate form of communication that induces instant sleep instead of joy and wonder. It is written in English, which is probably the highest compliment I can pay to this work of fiction. However, I am unable to tell you what the first three pages are about. And even if I were capable, telling you would be an act so inhuman, it is specifically listed as a Crime Against Humanity in the Geneva Conventions.

In doing a little research on James Patterson I learned that he is a liar. He doesn’t actually write books. He published nine books in 2009 and another nine in 2010. That is not possible for a person, not even for a mutated slime mold reindeer. Instead, he lets other people write the books, and then he revises them. So he isn’t an author, he’s an editor. A really bad one. And that makes me feel bad for Neil McMahon, who has to have his name attached to this. I’m betting the McMahon’s first draft was much better, but he probably made a lot more money by letting James Patterson wipe his butt with it.

I also learned that James Patterson has a Masters in English from Vanderbilt, which I’m guessing selects their students using a divining rod. His masters degree is likely printed on toilet paper. Or perhaps English was just easier in 1970. There were less words then.

Even Stephen King hates this guy. This book is shittier than all other shitty books. I had to add a special category because it insults the other shitty books.

Other reviews: A Writer’s Review, The BookBag, The Mystery Site, Red Adept Reviews

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